The RNC has given birth to a new post-Jesus American Religion.
MAGA-god bless all of you & our great country
The telltale signs came to me from on high in a flash. I watched it all unfold on C-SPAN, free of the chatter of the chattering class and in its place—a truly killer convention band blasting rousing tunes.
And then I saw—Rudy Giuliani, transformed now into a deformed spirit never talked about—careen into chairs as if an invisible hand shoved him. Was this not proof that the MAGA-god has the power to destroy its acolytes as a nonchalant god does? was the thought that occurred to me.
Then another acolyte, Peter Navarro, a Peter-Fonda-style-easy-rider (with his old lady in tow!) had arrived from the strange levant lands of the southern Florida penitentiary to bring us some glorious news. The news is that he and the president had protected us against the evil machinations of the deep state by channeling this malevolence in its entirety onto themselves.
In comparison, he has been invigorated by the MAGA-god.
And it begs the question—Why?
Why MAGA-god are your blessings bestowed on some, while your other followers are allowed to suffer so? Why have you destroyed one of your most faithful? Or merely allowed him to suffer by the absence of your guiding hand?
For one of your followers has been transformed into a deformed gollum, into something inhuman, by the mere touch of your power!
One knows that a god needs to be able to exert vengeance (that is obvious & will come thanks to Project 2025) but also that it is important that a god has the ability to destroy in a capricious mysterious fashion. Or simply stand by to allow it to happen.
This is true since we now know the MAGA-god can guide an assassin’s bullet—whereby some are merely grazed but others are hurt and sometimes fatally. This mystery is conferred by the holy relic of a fallen citizen on display.
But even so, my small mind is unable to comprehend this great mystery. Obviously we must await the emergence of MAGA-god scholars (and they will arise) to explain it to us in a way we can comprehend and restore our MAGA-faith in the process.
But the great mystery recedes. For now Kid Rock is on the stage, an inculcate shaman, rapping about the virtues of assholes in this new religion. And our minds are softened to accept the missives from Hulk Hogan and Dana White. They inform us that the old American religions of country music, NASCAR, monster trucks and professional wrestling (but not Budweiser mind you) have been subsumed in this new meta-religion of the MAGA-god.
In the stands, Melania & Ivanka, the twined Mary Magdalene feminines now silenced in background awe as in a renaissance painting. Because the new religion has set in stone the roles of women in the new religion—false eyelashes, plump lips, nose jobs, foundation and great hair—a spectrum encompassing a granddaughter as a fresh volcano virgin to the banshee wail of Kimberly Guilfoyle proclaiming vengeful hellfire. And Trump's personal lawyer, Alina Habba shows us the requisite look is achievable by all women.
But along with the angry apostles, we await the appearance of the few jesuits to expand the theology of this new religion.
Like that jinn Tucker Carlson: “I watched the video of what happened in Butler, Pennsylvania about 15, 50 times…And the more I watched it, the more it struck me that everything was different after that moment. Everything. This convention is different, the nation is different, the world is different, Donald Trump is different. When he stood up after being shot in the face, bloodied, and put his hand up, I thought, at that moment, that was a transformation. This was no longer a man…I think it was divine intervention. But the effect that it had on Donald Trump, he was no longer just a political party’s nominee, or a former president, or a future president. This was the leader of a nation. And I think there’s a difference…
“But if you think about it, that is a title that is bestowed by a process of some sort that can be subverted. And in the end, it does not confer, by itself, as no title does, legitimacy. Just because you call yourself the president doesn’t mean that much inherently…
“And you hate to say it, but it is also true, is a fact, that you could take, I don’t know, a mannequin, a dead person, and make him president…(laughter here) No, you could. You could. I’m just saying, theoretically possible. With enough cheating, that could happen.
“But being a leader is very different. It’s not a title, it’s organic. You can’t name someone a leader. A leader is the bravest man. That’s who the leader is. That is true in all human organizations. This is a law of nature. And in that moment, Donald Trump, months before the presidential election, became the leader of this nation.”
So a leader bestowed by the MAGA-god cares not one whit about the trivialities of human endeavors like democracy and your puny vote non-believers.
And we have the next caliph-to-be of the MAGA-god, JD Vance. He has perfected the gift of being comfortable-in-your-skin while delivering unstructured transmissions of this crazy god in parenthetical asides like Russian nesting dolls, a religious lineage that descends from the autocrats of old through Sarah Palin and the current son of the MAGA-god, DJ Trump.
And what was surprising about the speech was how little it was about that old god and his son, Jesus. Now it was about guns and an eventual return to the soil of a Kentucky graves—
“Now in that cemetery, there are people who were born around the time of the Civil War. And if, as I hope, my wife and I are eventually laid to rest there, and our kids follow us, there will be seven generations just in that small mountain cemetery plot in eastern Kentucky. Seven generations of people who have fought for this country. Who have built this country. Who have made things in this country. And who would fight and die to protect this country if they were asked to.
“Now. Now that’s not just an idea, my friends. That’s not just a set of principle. Even though the ideas and the principles are great, that is a homeland. That is our homeland. People will not fight for abstractions, but they will fight for their home.”
In this new religion, the ideas that built this great nation no longer apply. It is all about homeland, the soil you stand on. You must be willing to return to the soil of your forefathers. MAGA-god bless all of you and our great country.
Luckily we also have the blood to add to the ‘blood & soil.’
And like that old holy book, the Koran, the parenthetical asides and repetition are important to get the full religious impact so this portion of the DJ Trump speech will be left unaltered.
Just like the Holy Koran after it’s long introduction, the real beginning begins—“Let me begin this evening by expressing my gratitude to the American people for your outpouring of love and support following the assassination attempt at my rally on Saturday.
“As you already know, the assassin’s bullet came within a quarter of an inch of taking my life. So many people have asked me what happened. ‘Tell us what happened, please.’ And therefore, I will tell you exactly what happened, and you’ll never hear it from me a second time, because it’s actually too painful to tell.
“It was a warm, beautiful day in the early evening in Butler Township in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Music was loudly playing, and the campaign was doing really well. I went to the stage and the crowd was cheering wildly. Everybody was happy. I began speaking very strongly, powerfully and happily. Because I was discussing the great job my administration did on immigration at the southern border. We were very proud of it.
“Behind me, and to the right, was a large screen that was displaying a chart of border crossings under my leadership. The numbers were absolutely amazing. In order to see the chart, I started to, like this, turn to my right, and was ready to begin a little bit further turn, which I’m very lucky I didn’t do, when I heard a loud whizzing sound and felt something hit me really, really hard. On my right ear. I said to myself, “Wow, what was that? It can only be a bullet.”
“And moved my right hand to my ear, brought it down. My hand was covered with blood. Just absolutely blood all over the place. I immediately knew it was very serious. That we were under attack. And in one movement proceeded to drop to the ground. Bullets were continuing to fly as very brave Secret Service agents rushed to the stage. And they really did. They rushed to the stage.
“These are great people at great risk, I will tell you, and pounced on top of me so that I would be protected. There was blood pouring everywhere, and yet in a certain way I felt very safe because I had God on my side. I felt that.
“The amazing thing is that prior to the shot, if I had not moved my head at that very last instant, the assassin’s bullet would have perfectly hit its mark and I would not be here tonight. We would not be together. The most incredible aspect of what took place on that terrible evening, in the fading sun, was actually seen later. In almost all cases, as you probably know. And when even a single bullet is fired, just a single bullet, and we had many bullets that were being fired, crowds run for the exits or stampede. But not in this case. It was very unusual.
“This massive crowd of tens of thousands of people stood by and didn’t move an inch. In fact, many of them bravely but automatically stood up, looking for where the sniper would be. They knew immediately that it was a sniper. And then began pointing at him. You can see that if you look at the group behind me. That was just a small group compared to what was in front.
“Nobody ran and, by not stampeding, many lives were saved. But that isn’t the reason that they didn’t move. The reason is that they knew I was in very serious trouble. They saw it. They saw me go down. They saw the blood, and thought, actually most did, that I was dead.
“They knew it was a shot to the head. They saw the blood. And there’s an interesting statistic. The ears are the bloodiest part. If something happens with the ears they bleed more than any other part of the body. For whatever reason the doctors told me that.
“And I said, ‘Why is there so much blood?’
“He said, ‘It’s the ears, they bleed more.’
“So we learned something. But they just —
“They just, this beautiful crowd, they didn’t want to leave me. They knew I was in trouble. They didn’t want to leave me. And you can see that love written all over their faces. True.
“Incredible people. They’re incredible people. Bullets were flying over us, yet I felt serene. But now the Secret Service agents were putting themselves in peril. They were in very dangerous territory.
“Bullets were flying right over them, missing them by a very small amount of inches. And then it all stopped. Our Secret Service sniper, from a much greater distance and with only one bullet used, took the assassin’s life. Took him out.
“I’m not supposed to be here tonight. Not supposed to be here.
[Crowd chants ‘Yes, you are.’]
“Thank you. But I’m not. And I’ll tell you. I stand before you in this arena only by the grace of almighty God.
“And watching the reports over the last few days, many people say it was a providential moment. Probably was. When I rose, surrounded by Secret Service, the crowd was confused because they thought I was dead. And there was great, great sorrow. I could see that on their faces as I looked out. They didn’t know I was looking out; they thought it was over.
“But I could see it and I wanted to do something to let them know I was OK. I raised my right arm, looked at the thousands and thousands of people that were breathlessly waiting and started shouting, ‘Fight, fight, fight.’
“Thank you.
“Once my clenched fist went up, and it was high into the air, you’ve all seen that, the crowd realized I was OK and roared with pride for our country like no crowd I have ever heard before. Never heard anything like it.”
Honestly the most messianic speech by a politician in my time. Like it tumbled forth to us from an ancient religious text.
We received the gift of blood and this new stigmata—the right ear.
It is that right ear (not the left one mind you) that is connected to the right side of our brain. That nonverbal cortex that understands the primitive needs deep to all of us—of blood & soil, guns and a return to that old Kentucky grave.
Praise be new MAGA-god. We now longer have the need for Jesus, that hippie has finally been exorcised from this new American religion.
Truth is stranger than fiction. I could see this new American religion percolating for sometime. I tried to capture it in my ongoing serial Gods at play...gods assholes motherfuckers and us on Substack.
But I have utterly failed. If we cannot defeat this new religion by the ballot box this year, my only hope is that one day, that other new American religion—AI & it’s mysterious LLM overlords—will see the need to put us out of our misery.
I don't understand or know which part of his ears that's nipped by the bullet. Is it the tip of it or right in the middle leaving a hole/gap?